Clarity.

It's been a while. I'd love to say my silence has been because I'm off traversing the world or something, but that is simply not the case. I've been in a bad spot in life for a little while. One of those ruts that are seemingly impossible to get out of. I wasn't happy with where I was in life. I let some of the most minute things keep me down. I had breakdowns about my dad I've been suppressing for well over a year. I lost my appetite. I had no drive to train. I was frustrated with my ankle not being 100% after so long. I work all the time, and hardly ever see my friends I used to train with daily. I felt alone and like I had no one to talk to. It was depression in one of it's darkest forms.

I realized what was going on about two weeks ago. I was swimming at Jason's.... I'm usually in the lead pack that swims from beach to beach to get about two miles in. I felt like I was fumbling in the water as they swam swiftly away. It didn't make sense. I got out of the water feeling defeated, just like I had at a few prior swim practices at Providence.

Swimming to me is what Yoga or meditation is to others. It's a time where I clear my head. My breathing is focused. I'm concentrating on pulling myself through the water. Staring at the line below reviewing what's good in my life.

I got off work early last night, and, still in the glow of feeling good about my life for the week or so, I decided to go swim with the team. Hopping in the water, a little bit of anxiety washed over me. As I started into sets of 50, I realized how incredibly tight I was holding my shoulders. With one big exhale, I loosened my shoulders. I slipped through the water. I watched the lane lines zoom by as I grabbed the water... something I hadn't felt in well over a month. I got out of the water feeling elated. I stopped to watch the storm roll in from a DC rooftop before heading home for the night. I love storms, and this was no exception. The last glimmer of the sunset illuminated the storm shelf as it rolled in. Golden lightening rumbled in the seemingly harmless, fluffy clouds. A mix of heat lightening and a storm off in the distance. I went to bed with a smile on my face.

I woke up early this morning.. and wanted to see if I could replicate. I drove down to GMU's pool for some 50 meter love. I wish Hains Point outdoor 50m pool was open, and contemplated jumping the fence... but figured that wouldn't pan out so well - breaking and entering in DC? "But officer... I just needed to swim in a 50 meter pool...." The swim felt amazing. The sound of air pockets dancing around my cap as I pulled myself through the water was deafening, like it once was. It was a moment of clarity. My times were back on par, instead of the 1:40's I found myself swimming (or modified splashing) the last few weeks. I climbed out of the water with an intense burning in my lats that I haven't felt since I swam across Lake Anna (though, thats probably attributed to the fact I was hungover...). I came home and made a simple breakfast, but it tasted amazing. It's the first time something has tasted good for a while.

I'm back.... and I don't intend to let anything drag me to where I was. Bring on Florida... even if it is covered in tar. :)